Politician (decoded): Send in more troops.
Shakespearean : Whether ‘tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them.
Plain Speaking: Shit happens.
Bloke in the Pub: Politics, innit? Fucked if I know what he’s on about, mate.
Cliché: You never know what’s around the corner.
Corporate Speak: We must avail ourselves of the opportunity to pick the low-hanging fruit and going forward, incorporate a holistic approach to maintain this sustainability. We must also ensure that our interests are ring-fenced within identifiable parameters, copper-bottom ourselves against whatever is brought to the table and socialise our findings. But we must also think outside the box to guard against anything beyond the event horizon and upskill our core competencies in readiness.
Corporate Speak (decoded): New game plan needed or it’ll be time to shoot the puppy and actionise some downsizing. Aw to heck with it, let’s have another round of redundancies, anyway.
Posh: I feel at ease with the familiar; I have a townhouse and a small place in the country – Lincolnshire, it’s called. It gives a chap a bit of solidity, a bit of background, something to look forward to at the weekend. But I’m not comfortable with all these johnnies turning up out of nowhere with their new money which they’ve acquired from God knows where. One doesn’t recognise any of them from Eton or Oxbridge. We’re hardly likely to have any friends in common and they all have those dreadful plebeian single-barrelled surnames. Most unsettling.
Daily Mail: Fresh wave of immigrants leads to increase of “unknowns” in UK (on page 7: see the impact of this on your pension).
The Guardian: House! US Defence Secretary raises Buzzword Bingo bar.
Biblical: Therefore keep watch; because you do not know the day or the hour.
Twitter: Muesli 4 b’fast as per and just had dbl(!) espresso. Going 4 it later with an unknown 2 me…ostrich + fava bean salad #OutThereSnacking
Posh: Awfully bad news about Yorick. Top fellow, Yockers - as we always called him. I knew him since prep school, fagged for him at Eton and we were rugger blues together at Oxford. Great sense of humour, top chap on a night out. It was him who threw the first bread roll that night the Bullingdon Club dinner got out of hand in a restaurant in Mayfair. Cool as you like when the manager was called, didn’t bat an eyelid but got the old pater on the blower and arranged for him to settle the bill for damages over the phone. Yockers himself even invited all the waiters to his box at Ascot during race week. Top man.
Man in the Pub: Yorick, eh? Heard he snuffed it. Shame, diamond geezer he was. Always had a joke, a wisecrack and liked a pint. Loved him to bits, I did. Not like that, though. Oi, what you saying about me kissing him? Calling me a puff, are you? OK, outside now, I’m not taking that from no-one.
Daily Mail: Exclusive! Prince: ‘My anguish over death of Royal entertainer.’ Hamlet sheds tears in moving tribute to deceased friend.
Guardian: Digging His Own Grave: Royal accused of insincere platitudes over death of Court employee. ‘Prince H didn’t even know his alleged close friend, Yorick, was dead until skull found in unmarked grave’ says palace insider.
Cliché: It’s always the good ones that die young.
Twitter: Amazeballs! Rumoured Series 4, The Killing. Sarah L investigates death of Danish comedian,Yorick. Jumper colour unknown. LOL! #Skullduggery
Plain Speaking: Yorick? Bloody nice bloke, he was. Sorry to hear about his death.
Corporate Speak: It was with regret that we announced the departure of Yorick from this organisation a few years back. Yorick’s preference was to pursue other opportunities in the entertainment business and a subsequent heads-up from him indicated that he had right-fitted himself into a new role. The news that he is currently experiencing extreme lifestyle issues is one of concern.
Politician: I wish to categorically deny the insensitive and baseless speculation over my involvement in the unfortunate death of Mr. Yorick. Even though his brand of what I believe is referred to as alternative comedy was not to my taste, this was no reason for me to wish him ill. His political views are from the other end of the spectrum to mine but I respect the democratic right of any individual to voice such opinions but only up to the point where they become personal and vindictive. It is my belief that Mr. Yorick’s regular portrayal of me as paranoid and petty did breach this level. OK, gentlemen, we’re off-the-record from here on. His death, untimely though it is, has saved me a great deal of time and expense in implementing legal procedures. For this, if nothing else in his sorry existence, I am grateful.
‘One more, please?’ asked Coin. ‘Can it translate from a foreign language and then further translate into a recognisable English idiom?’
Plain Speaking: The more things change, the more they stay the same. End of.
Man in the Pub: If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, it’s a bleedin’ duck, OK?
Shakespearean: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.
Corporate Speak (Advanced): Hi, I’m Zak Poloneck from Zeitgeist Inc, leading brand strategists. We were called ?+!=ü but we re-branded because our switchboard operatives had issues around pronouncing our name when they answered calls. A while back, we were given a deliverable by a spectacles manufacturer to devise a new advertising campaign and brand name for their product. My take is that what people want is not something completely new but a familiar concept with a new twist; they’re comfortable with the idea of things changing but, essentially, staying the same.
For the duration of this project, we used Zeitgeist’s favoured strategy: Ideas Delivered Into Optimised Thought. The acronym, I should point out, is intentionally ironic; I have found that clients and the public at large are receptive to humour. I formed a small team from some of our top creatives – Zed, our imagineer; Zap, our ideas consultant; Zeus, our blue sky thinker, Zoom, our envelope pusher; Zig, our vision facilitator and Zee, our trans-Atlantic transitioner.
So far, so normal...that’s pretty much day-to-day ops for us but this time, we wanted to go the extra mile, raise the bar, take it to the next level, vector these ideas into a reality sandwich and have it for lunch. We went paintballing, snowboarding, parachuting, bungee jumping, extreme ironing, abseiling; we went trekking in the Himalayas, we went on a safari in Africa, we buried ourselves alive for three days, we spent a weekend in a brothel in Nevada, we played Angry Birds non-stop for 36 hours, we considered undergoing transgender surgery but decided that wouldn’t necessarily help the project and, instead, opted to join a hen night in Blackpool and then we built a pop-up igloo in the Antarctic.
It was there that we re-convened the team and it all harmonised when we held a fusion workshop to decide on which idea we would present to our clients. We considered naming the product Portable Vision-Corrective Solutions but that wasn’t cutting-edge enough for us. Our suggestion – which we are passionate about and which our clients have enthusiastically accepted - is to brand the product A PaiR of GlaSses. I know: we see it as pure genius too.
I am now going to vacationise for a short period. As you can guess, this project has been creatively exhausting and I need some me time although I’m already conceptualising ideas for the next campaign; ideas which will soon be Ideas Delivered Into Optimised Thought. It’s all good.
Biblical: What has been is what will be and what has been done is what will be done; there is nothing new under the sun.
Daily Mail: Official: French directives on changing how to live amount to nothing. On p.28: Why we must resist these vile EU plans.
The Guardian: New claims of MPs expense abuse; Fresh allegations of newspaper phone hacking; Report shows 24 specific cases of Government U-turns.
Twitter: OM actual G….Light bulb moment! Never throw anything away, it’ll b back in fashion b4 u know. #GetThatFashionistas
Author's ackowledgement: Many thanks to the Bard of Battersea, Sean O'Sullivan, who provided the inspiration for the ATM idea.